Barely Legal

Except it definitely wasn't Swedish...

Because the 75+lb pup sleeps in the middle of the Mr. and I every night, my body has been a little stiff lately. I had never experienced back pain before and had always considered myself lucky. Suddenly 30 hit and so did the aches and pains that I had bragged about dodging. I had outsmarted them. They found me.
It had been in my head to get a massage for a few weeks now. Every time I had convinced myself to get one, guilt set in at the potential splurge and the price that goes along with it. The other day I had passed by the Angel Relax Center in town and posted above the door was a huge banner that read 'Massage $19.99', I thought 'eh, why not?'
I thought I would play it safe and get only a pressure point massage. Although my sense of humor runs on the grossly inappropriate side, my sensibilities are that of a nun (at least when I am sober). With a pressure point massage, I was hoping to keep my clothes on. I called, booked my appointment, told them what I wanted and set it for 6:00 after work.
When I got there a different man was sitting at the desk. I told him I was there for my appointment and he stared at me blankly. I told him I was there for a 30 minute pressure point massage, again he stared at me blankly. After a few minutes of this he led to a room after silently convincing me to pay for a 45 minute full body massage. Fine. Whatever.
I disrobed, put a short towel on and waited. During my wait I looked above me and thought, 'What a strange place for curtain rods?' I couldn't make sense why they ran lengthwise in the middle of the room and were about a foot apart. I would soon find out.
'Sw' (pronounced 'Sue', her spelling, not mine) came into the room and instructed me to lay face down on the bed. No sooner had I put my head in that toilet seat looking thing and Sw's hands were all over me. No hand holding, no soothing voice, just strait business. Well, ok. If I paying for 45 minutes I suppose I want to get my money's worth. Sw worked fast, too fast. It was more painful than relaxing but again I compromised with myself and thought, 'I just want my back to feel better'. Here are the highlights of how the rest of the appointment played out:

-The phone rings, in the room! Sw answers it! Now I don't feel so bad about the silent receptionist not understanding that I had wanted cash back for tip.
-Sw's hands leave me and suddenly I realize what those bars were for. She needed something to grab onto to steady herself. Feet! Feet were on me! Walking up my legs, heels digging into my butt. standing on my back....all over me. I was appalled at first, only because I wasn't at all expecting it. After a few minutes though, I started to loosen up and enjoy it. (Don't judge me!)
-At this point I thought the massage was over and started to get up. Sw gently pushed me back on the bed and somehow convinced me to commit to the full hour for an additional $10. I was too scared to say no.
-She holds two separate conversations over the wall with the other employees in the parlor (is that even the right word for it?). Again too scared to say anything, hoping they weren't talking about me.
-She has me turn over and as modest as I tried to be, everything ended up showing as she grunted her way through some of the more grueling moves of the massage.
-Again, I think the massage is over and she whispers to me 'Oh no, baby oil' What the???
-She pours baby oil all over my backside...all over! I am beyond mortified at this point.
-After cleaning me up with hot towels (that felt so good, by the way) the massage was FINALLY over.

I walked up to the counter and Sw helped the receptionist understand that I needed to pay for the additional time. I also let her know to add more for her tip. She gave me a glass of water, her card with her name 'Sw', a squeal and a great big hug.
I walked out of there, water in hand, not fully understanding what had just happened. Not fully convinced that some of what happened wasn't illegal. I called my mom for a voice of reason (after calling G begging him to answer the phone). She had me on speaker phone with her coworker who, after I told the story, simply said, 'Oh yeah, that's what they usually do'.
Now that I am sitting in safety and comfort of my own home, I feel great. I might go back next month.
Needless to say, I know what I getting the Mr. for Christmas. Purely for the awkward entertainment.